Posts Tagged With: toilet paper

Letters from the Front Line — Day 38

My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

I loathe to worry you in this time of great upheaval, but today’s missive almost did not happen.

I shan’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say two men, thrice my girth, attempted to knock me from my perch with the sort of chest-bum rampant in the NFL. Sadly, this was not a celebratory expression.

empty toilet paper roll

The perils of a face full of massive man-titties pales in comparison to the conditions inside Forward Operating Bases Frat House.

At the outset of this experiment in isolation, you may remember the run on essential toiletries, namely, bathroom stationary. Ever the forward thinker, my wife, the enchanting Miss Gail, took it upon herself to circumvent the mass ass-paper run at the local grocer’s stand, and instead, order large quantities on-line.

94422754_3198590536838429_4887463158379184128_oToday, the long-awaited shitment arrived. Good old American tissue, soft as a . . . well . . . you know. Shipped directly from . . . China? The land whence this all began?

When situations are as dire as they are here in the Frat House, we question not the origin of such gifts. The Chinese have guaranteed us plentiful paper – a veritable ton of tissue — the equivalent of 108 rolls of American turdy wipes for the paltry sum of 19 dollars U.S.

I opened the package with such glee, it awoke Captain Crank from his afternoon slumber. Upon looking within, my hopes were dashed.

IMG_0873I fear this may not be enough to share among the troops.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Post Script: Your favorite latrine may never  be the same again.

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mail Call — Day 12

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work in separate offices) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

r

Dearest Rick,

You never need to apologize for not writing back in a swift manner. I understand the time and assiduous care it takes to craft your artistic visions which our viewers delightfully relish on a nightly basis.

Yesterday I had to meet Nipsy No Hussle in the front lobby, as I awaited his impending arrival I smelled a malodorous stench wafting from upstairs. I assumed your musk had permeated the walls or maybe it was the fetid water in which the frat boys were bathing.

As I was bent over trying to regain some semblance of composure I could see a pair of Texas style boots ever so smoothly cascading down the porcelain steps. As I looked up further, my eyes fixed upon a perfectly quaffed mane bouncing ever so gently on a wrinkle-free forehead. I instantly knew it was Private Houston, or as the girls call him, Colonel Kielbasa.

His perfect tuft of hair is a pure gift from the creator of heaven and earth. Now I understand why you tired to throat the ripe banana. Who wouldn’t wanna show off to a genuine Tyler Texas hunk??!!

Congrats on the TP, you deserve Mr. Whipple himself to wipe your bottom and tug a nip for all the good you do for mankind.

Always on my mind,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion.

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Lines — Day 11

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work in separate offices) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

IMG_0692

My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

You were right as usual. The thought of Mr Balboa’s pugilistic prowess in defeating that ugly woman’s husband lifted my spirits enough to carry on.

My apologies for not writing yesterday. So much has happened I scarcely know where to begin.

Firstly, sanitary privileges have been restored! T’was long over-due. The air here had become quite foul. Sadly, there was only water enough that we had to share.

Ranking members Forward Operating Base Frat House were allowed to shower first. That water was recaptured in a washtub from which the rest of the men were allowed to bathe.

I was able to fashion a pair of tweezers out of two spork handles and perform a little maintenance on my longer follicles as well.

Yesterday, I was, once again, outside the wire. Again, it was in the delightful burg 90 minutes southeast.

I spent the better part of the morn ferrying locals to and fro, hither and yon. Various appointments, and obligations needed tending. I was only too happy to break the quarantine here to engage in a little distanced socializing.

The afternoon was filled with physical labour. The sweat of my brow was a paltry sum to see such happiness on the faces of the locals.

So pleased with my work, were they, that they gifted me with something more prized than gold in these times of scarcity.

IMG_0706-1

Bathroom stationary.

3-ply!

Rest assured, I shall put it to good use later this evening.

With warmest regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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