Posts Tagged With: stay at home order

Letters from the Front Line — Day 52

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

Jocularity has returned to Forward Operating Base Frat House.

I dared not to speak of the foul mood most of the men in Frat House had adopted. Fifty-two days without gazing upon the fairer sex can do that to some men. But yesterday, a veritable breath of fresh air blew out the gloom and swept in frivolity.

Fear not, my delicate primrose, it was not a wanton jezebel who restored mirth among the men. It was Boot Duhe.

For the better part of our sequestration, the young lad has kept himself far from Frat House, almost as if we, inside, had fallen victim to the cursed virus. Personally, I think the malodorousness sullies his spirits.

Just seeing his strong jaw and dimpled chin lifted morale — not because anyone was happy to see him — but rather, it gave the men a new target for their bawdy humor.

You see, mischief had become drudgery. One can only crack wise on Captain Crank’s crooked, or waft a poofy in Private Slappy’s face so many times in 52 days before the hilarity leaks from the deed like sand from a gold miner’s sieve.

Even now, two full days since the boot’s is visit, the men still smile at the mention of his name. Boot Duhe may have become the savior of our camp.

Don’t tell Private Slappy, for it may hurt his bruise his delicate ego, but a field promotion may be in the offing for the boot. The thought of Private First Class Duhe could send the Slappster off the deep end.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Lines —Day 45

IMG_0882My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

I am heartfully sorry for imposing that simpleton on you for even a single day. Private Slappy is my cross to bear.

Your assistance in this matter is as admirable as that of Simon of Cyrene, who lifted the Christ and bore the weight of that awful cross on the road to Calvary.

And you will be rewarded just as the Cyrenian was. Not with everlasting life, but with leather whip blows, spit, and vile insults from the House Boys.

IMG_0928 I am surprised that news of my injury has reached you with such haste. I was not aware the Pony Express traveled on weekends, but I am happy that it does.

Fear not for my leg, darling, for I have acquired the services of the best surgeon in all of the Confederacy. He has assured me that amputation is a last resort. And if I must lose a single leg in order to hold you again, it is but a paltry price to pay.

Until next we meet, I remain your gimpy soldier of love.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt, T. Polisher

1st News Division

9th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Line — Day 38

My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

I loathe to worry you in this time of great upheaval, but today’s missive almost did not happen.

I shan’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say two men, thrice my girth, attempted to knock me from my perch with the sort of chest-bum rampant in the NFL. Sadly, this was not a celebratory expression.

empty toilet paper roll

The perils of a face full of massive man-titties pales in comparison to the conditions inside Forward Operating Bases Frat House.

At the outset of this experiment in isolation, you may remember the run on essential toiletries, namely, bathroom stationary. Ever the forward thinker, my wife, the enchanting Miss Gail, took it upon herself to circumvent the mass ass-paper run at the local grocer’s stand, and instead, order large quantities on-line.

94422754_3198590536838429_4887463158379184128_oToday, the long-awaited shitment arrived. Good old American tissue, soft as a . . . well . . . you know. Shipped directly from . . . China? The land whence this all began?

When situations are as dire as they are here in the Frat House, we question not the origin of such gifts. The Chinese have guaranteed us plentiful paper – a veritable ton of tissue — the equivalent of 108 rolls of American turdy wipes for the paltry sum of 19 dollars U.S.

I opened the package with such glee, it awoke Captain Crank from his afternoon slumber. Upon looking within, my hopes were dashed.

IMG_0873I fear this may not be enough to share among the troops.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Post Script: Your favorite latrine may never  be the same again.

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Field — Day 36

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

It is another glorious morn here at Forward Operating Base Frat House. Our entire staff made it though this weekends “weather event” unscathed, and eager to continue our effort to calm the fears of the populace.

It has been somewhat odd, returning to Frat House. My days working from home, as the governor ordered, required only a modicum of clothing, and even less personal hygiene.

And I had no one to talk to, except for myself. While it was good company, I did miss all the good gossip.

For instance, did you know that Lance Corporal Houston is an award-winning journalist? Apparently, he has benefited greatly from our tutelage, and editing.

I find myself laughing at Private Slappy constantly. His tales of night feedings and lack of sleep harken back to days on the farm, when tending to expectant livestock required round-the-clock watchfulness.

Captain Crank’s hat is even more crooked than usual. Closed salons are proving a hindrance to his mane.

And, probably the biggest news, did you know the Captain has two sons. For the life of me, I cannot remember their names. I think they both begin with the letter, “M.”

I continue to look forward to the day when we can tell tales in person.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battallion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Field — Day 34

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

Sadly, I will judge you, harshly. Your intention to languish in melted ice cream — of any flavor — would require the forcible removal of your man card.

Otherwise, I am overjoyed that your relationship with the loquacious Ms Kitch is progressing happily. It has done wonders for your vocabulary, if not your spelling.

I think the good General has lost complete control of his faculties. Yesterday, he relinquished all decision-making to the young and handsomely coiffed, Lance Corporal Houston.

I think the power may have gone to his head. (Notice the sly grin on his eager face.) He now works all day without removing his sport coat, even when he retires to the latrine for reading.

It worries me so that such power has been entrusted to someone so young, and of so lowly rank. The young Lance is certainly wise beyond his years, but to command an entire division may be more than that for which the lad is prepared.

It has, however had its benefits here at Forward Operating Base Frat House. Yesterday, Private Slappy and I were able to bribe our way out of live shots with a well-placed 40 oz. Schaefer Light lager.

Today, I hope to leave early. It may only cost me a can of hair spray. And really, of what use is that to me.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher,
1st News Division
9th Battallion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Line — Day 32

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

I am flummoxed.

Private Slappy and I parted ways yesterday to work on separate stories. With all the time and energy I have put into his stories since this daft experiment in remote news rooming, thought I had trained the boy well.

Sweeping wide shots. Detailed tight shots. Expressive sound. Action/reaction. Well-lit interviews. Captured moments. Tight script.

It has all been for naught.

Yesterday he came back with video more reminiscent of Captain Crank and that Reynolds fellow.

I have failed as a Drill Instructor.

I shall turn in my mentor card post haste, and cancel the speech I had scheduled for the young minds at our flagship university.

Warmest Personal Regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mail Call — Day 29

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Precious Rick,

I am bewildered to learn that you received hate filled messages from our adoring viewers. Your compassion and gentle care of touching souls on a deep and personal level is what separates you from the many others who have stepped inside an audio booth and tried their hand at the field of journalism. I’m sure the Russians are attached to this atrocity!!

I’m overcome with joy knowing that you have commandeered a 21st century device with which to communicate properly. I hope the occasional fart that you so affectionately record will be of the utmost quality.

In any case, I’m glad you’re now a lowly nothing Photog again, able to freely grab yourself and spew profanities on a whim to unsuspecting lens meat.

BTW, maybe you can identify this massive dinosaur looking creature that has decided to homestead in front of my modest home. This beast has most certainly made it easy to quarantine, and for my family to become hermits.

Leaving the house would be tantamount to a Jurassic Park adventure!!

Unrelenting affection,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Line — Day 28

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

Alas, there will be no promotion. Apparently, hate-mail to the feature guy does not constitute heroic service.

But my risk was not for naught. For my service to the newscast and in the furtherance of future journalism, the General has decided to cut the string.

That’s right! I will no longer rely on a really long string attached to tin cans to pass urgent communiqués to those running this insipid operation. General News has seen fit to outfit me with the very latest in stingless technology!

It is called a cell phone. I won’t bother you with the scientific explanations of its operation. Suffice it to say, I am the envy of all the troops in Forward Operating Base Frat House.

Sadly, however, it can only be used for battle-field business, so I shall not be allowed to use it to hear your, shrill and nasally voice which brings me such joy.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Line — Day 25

superheroMy Dearest Mr. Daquano,

Recasting the greatest movie ever made is ambitious, but I know that if you put your pretty little head to the task, it will be marvelous.

Speaking of Marvel, I was, again, correct.

I should have kept my big maw shut. Talks with Marvel and DC have stalled. Neither purveyor of fictional action can believe that a human could be as doltish as Major Doofus.

I suggested that we all travel to Hawaii so that we could all see for ourselves. I shall write to the Major post haste so that he may begin studying his second grade readers in an effort to raise his IQ to a level acceptable to Misters Marvel and DC.

General News has informed me that Private Slappy has been cleared to return to duty. After a fortnight on my own, I am uncertain that I wish to partner with him again. On the one hand, the quality of my work has improved mightily. On the other, if he were to return, I could, once again, become your lazy photog with the legendary ire.

Speaking of legendary ire, have you heard reports of Corporal Moo? I understand his nuptials were in the offing. I hope this dreadful disease has not postponed the festivities. I could so use a whirl around the dance floor with you.

Warmest personal regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division,
9th Battalion

Categories: corona virus, covid-19, Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mail Call –Day 24

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Thine steed Rick,

What a wonderful idea!!!

Your genius knows no bounds. The thought of us being superhero’s side by side in tights and matching capes makes my nether region tingle!! Having Tiberius Doofus be the dim-witted buffoon will add authenticity and make all the “slightly off” adults feel a sense of pride that one of their own is on the big screen.

Like most nights before I drift into my slumber, I recite lines from the American classic Smokey and the Bandit. This time I thought about recasting this modern marvel of cinema with people from our newsroom.

Nipsy No Hussle will play Big Enos Burdette. Lil Enos, played by Captain Crooked Hat. Junior the Moronic son will of course be played by Maj. Doofus.

Colonel Kielbasa with his hair and movie star looks will play The Bandit. Heck, he even has the car. That will help our budget greatly.

Now to make it a authentic 2020 reboot, and spice it up with a little controversy, might I suggest the effervescent Mrs. Poe to play the role of Frog!! Can you imagine the shock waves we would send through the Fallopian Tube of Freedom, Livingston Parish??!! An interracial version of Smokey and the Bandit!! Let the hi jinx commence!!

I’m open to suggestions as to the casting of the rest of the star studded cast.

Until we gaze into each other’s eyes again, may your dreams be filled with us fighting crimes in capes and making fun of the doofus.

Missing my beloved turd,
Left eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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