My Dearest Mr. Daquano,
I can scarcely contain my exuberance. Yesterday, I was faced with another day of drudgery which I turned on its own head.
I found a most generous proprietor who, despite the governor’s order to the contrary, has allowed one elderly couple to continue to dine inside her establishment. So pleased was the general with my find, that he has sent my report up the chain of command, straight to the Pentagon!
Hopefully, the directors of this cruel war will be equally pleased and grant me 48 hours leave. It would be my greatest desire to escort you to a fruit stand to swap bananas.
Yet, I also have disappointing news to bring. Your sweat-stained gift made it only half a night in the boudoir. It’s musky air fouled Miss Gail’s sinuses, and impeded her excitement for her matrimonial duties.
Your wife-beater now resides inside my horseless carriage where I can gaze upon it often and wish it were filled by your muscular physique.
Hold strong my dear, for we shall meet again, soon.
Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division