My Dearest Mr. Daquano,
I have encountered a scourge far worse than this wretched pandemic. It is more foul than the odor which permeates Forward Operating Base Frat House, more insidious than a last-minute live shot on a Friday evening.
And I am loathe to say it has infected our beloved industry. It is the one-man-band, or in the current vernacular, the Multi Media Journalist. I wish not to paint the entire fleet of camera-toting, mic-slinging, note-taking goodhairs with this single broad brush, but DUDE, HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE FEED LATELY?
Today, General News blessed me with the task of requisitioning pictures and sound from news divisions around the country. What I found struck fear in my heart and sent my lunch to my throat.
This virus is vastly more intelligent than our leaders care to admit. It seems to have singled out all competent photogs and infected them as to render every newscast save ours unwatchable. Aye, the Chinese were indeed a step ahead of us when they invented this one.
In its wake, this contagion has left the television news-scape littered with out-of-focus medium shots, underexposed wide shots, shaky still-lifes, and a plethora of ill-framed lens meat shouting into dead microphones. And riddle me this. How does one get video a shade of orange so bold as to stupify Mr. Crayola himself?
It is almost as if this industry has cloned a literal army Late Private Corkys and deployed them to frighten an unsuspecting public into staying at home lest the constantly moving ground cause one intestinal discomfort so bad as to spew one’s latest meal at one’s feet.
The last time I was this happy to finish an assignment, a scantily-clad Mrs. Sgt. Turdpolisher was waiting for me at the door with steak, bourbon, and fuzzy handcuffs.
Once we have served this sentence of solitude, it will be up to us, the brave men of the 1st News Division, to repopulate the photog ranks with like-minded professionals, and spread the gospel of the three-legged camera-holding device — not to mention the well-timed wide shot.
I look forward to enlisting your help in this matter.
Warmest personal regards,
Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division