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Mail Call — Day 21

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Dearest Rick,

Don’t stifle your emotions my handsome prince, that story was overflowing with artistic genius.

This morn I felt a subtle buzz on my hip, I gently reached to retrieve my cell phone to see my dads number. I was overcome with exultation. My dad hasn’t called since General JBE issued his orders to quarantine. I excitedly said hello then he proceeds to tell me that the bald guy should get an Emmy for that story on the old people.

He suddenly hangs up before I could tell him about the poor audio quality captured within the piece.

I dream of the day we can trollop to the fruit stand, I haven’t had the desire to partake in a fresh banana since we were torn from each other.

Never fear, for one day I will pull that wife beater over my taut body and partake of a ripe banana like old times.

Can Ms Gail call Ms Ty and tell her what matrimonial duties consist of???

Warmest salutations,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion

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Letters from the Front Line –Day 18

country

My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

I can scarcely contain my exuberance. Yesterday, I was faced with another day of drudgery which I turned on its own head.

I found a most generous proprietor who, despite the governor’s order to the contrary, has allowed one elderly couple to continue to dine inside her establishment. So pleased was the general with my find, that he has sent my report up the chain of command, straight to the Pentagon!

Hopefully, the directors of this cruel war will be equally pleased and grant me 48 hours leave. It would be my greatest desire to escort you to a fruit stand to swap bananas.

Yet, I also have disappointing news to bring. Your sweat-stained gift made it only half a night in the boudoir. It’s musky air fouled Miss Gail’s sinuses, and impeded her excitement for her matrimonial duties.

Your wife-beater now resides inside my horseless carriage where I can gaze upon it often and wish it were filled by your muscular physique.

Hold strong my dear, for we shall meet again, soon.

Warmest regards,
Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

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Mail Call –Day 17

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Dearest Rick,

I am so happy for you!!

The magnitude of your vast talent and acute intellect has been preparing you for this very day. I have no doubt that your sprinkles of love will course through the Tv and into the veins of our loyal viewers. General News can’t be too hard, even Private Slappy can slap together 90 seconds of crap and call it TV on rare occasions.

Speaking of Slappy, Uncle Eddie, Shit for brains, did the DNA come back on that beautiful child?? I’ve got money it ain’t his.

The loquacious Ms Kitch handed me a dictionary on our first day and implored me to try to keep up. I was sorry inform her that a dictionary won’t help me, I cant even spell the multisyllabic words she speaks. At one point she told me I needed a hard hat and a drool cup. 😔

I’m so glad my shirt will be snuggled tightly to your hairy bosom as you slumber. On a side note, your freshly shaved head looks radiant, or maybe it’s the shine from the lights, either way it’s a thing of beauty. I’m sure those nurses were plenty jealous of the buxom Ms Gail, for she gets to gaze upon your nude frame on a nightly basis.

F this cruel contagion!!!

Yours Truly,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th battalion

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Letters from the Front Lines — Day 16

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work from home) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

Apologies for the tardiness of my daily missive. General News is relentless.

With the loss of Pvt. Slappy, he has demoted me to daily reporting. Real news! With actual deadlines! And a 90-second time limit!

I fear my reputation as the Feature Guy may be in jeopardy.

Daily news is an ugly business, much like the work of Captain Crank. Business from which your delicate eyes should always be protected.

Today, I found myself surrounded by women in masks and gloves. Never have I been so unnerved since my last colonoscopy. They, however, were gentle creatures helping treat victims of the cruel contagion that has separated us. 

I hope the good General is kinder to you.

I long to hear more of your adventures with the loquacious Ms. Kitch. She seems to know many big words that assuredly challenge your comprehension daily.

Thank you for the thoughtful gift. Until I can embrace you again, I shall sleep soundly with my arms wrapped around your smelly wife-beater.

With warmest regards,

Sgt. T Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battallion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mail Call — Day 16

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work from home) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

91424353_10215578055900170_5181269235304759296_nDearest Rick,

I’m saddened to hear about thine hankie; I hope you will cherish my wife beater in the same enthusiastic fashion as you did that hemmed thin layer of fabric.

It’s so nice of you to help those elderly people, I’m sorry that you had to perspire on your well deserved hiatus from your full time employment. The pensioners who gave me life have quarantined themselves from me, not sure why, they just said “don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

Today i was overcome with giddiness!! I got to see Digital Nick Grimillion, I felt like a Catholic school boy staying after hours helping Father Delfino tidy up the rectory. Nick’s bright smile and jocularity is just what the doctor ordered in such times of incertitude and apprehension . His smile alone could lift a sullen sole from their despondency and deep morose.

Hope your week ahead is filled with joy and wonderment.

Eternally thinking of your bald head,

Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion

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Letters from the Front Line — Day 15

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work from home) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

evangeline-maid-flickr-1024x768My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

It has been an entire fortnight since I last saw your smiling face (and somewhat mis-shapen nose), but I feel that I am getting into the rhythm of this quarantine nonsense.

I think of you often. Twice this weekend, as a matter of fact.

I have developed an affinity for the elderly couple outside the wire, and I think, they with me. This Saturday, they worked me like a slave, but I managed to finish all their tasks in time for a nutritious lunch.

You know bread and other staples are scarce at Forward Operating Base Frat House, so I took my excursion as an opportunity to reconnoiter more supplies for the men.

Outside the wire, dried goods stores are filled — shelf after shelf — with all manner of food and drink. Shopping there after documenting the desolate store shelves here was almost like leaving a North Korean grocery and walking right into a Costco two days before Thanksgiving.

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I thought of you again, Sunday, before I began much-needed shop time. It had been too long since my last attempt at lathery.

I set out early to make a bowl to hold the chocolate rations we sometimes get in the Frat House. So high were the shavings I scarcely could find some of my tools. And so thick the sawdust, that when I sneezed this morning, my nose shot a toothpick through the delicate handkerchief you gifted me to remember you by.

Sadly, it no longer holds your intoxicating scent.

If it is not too bold to ask, in your next letter, could you please send one of your sweaty wife-beaters so that I may never forget your most precious aroma.

Warmest Regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

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Mail Call — Day 12

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work from home) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

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Dearest Rick,


I too had to part with my teammate, the fairest and most effervescent Mrs. Poe. I have been reassigned to the lovely and loquacious Ms. Kitch, the newest member of our eclectic 9 news staff.


Wait, Private Slappy, Uncle Eddie, shit for brains got a woman pregnant!!??? Are we sure he had something to do with it before conception??? Big Robert had an awfully big grin on his face yesterday. How did he know which hole to poke??? Does this child have a huge noggin??? Would Sputnik be jealous of its cranium?? Are we sure it’s his, was the child born with its shirt untucked?? I sure hope it looks like it’s Mama!!

When the almighty was giving out brains private slap dick was absent.

Well, good luck to both of them, I’m sure the baby is pretty nice looking regardless.
Guess I’ll get a cigar out the ole humidor and puff one for the big guy, Slappy or Big Robert, DNA test pending.


Sincerest regards,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd regimen
69th Battalion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Field — Day 12

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work from home) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.valentines-day-massacre

My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

We have lost a good man. . . Well, we have lost a man.

Private Slappy is no more.

No! This vile infection did not take him. He is too simple for something like that. His wife has birthed his offspring — a scary though in itself — but in this time of uncertainty and toilet paper scarcity, a truly heroic feat. . . on her part, anyway. The private had little to do with any of it after conception.

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So, we are a man down at Forward Operating Base Frat House. Captain Crank has assigned me to Boot Duhe for the remainder of this unfortunate situation.

He is pleasant enough, though a tad too happy for my liking. But I guess that goes with being young in his craft. A few days with me, and I am sure he will sour.

If that were not enough, the General has assigned me reporting duties. Keep your eyes peeled. Though you cannot see me in person, you may soon see me on your glowing flat-screen.

Warmest regards,

Sgt, T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mail Call — Day 12

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work in separate offices) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

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Dearest Rick,

You never need to apologize for not writing back in a swift manner. I understand the time and assiduous care it takes to craft your artistic visions which our viewers delightfully relish on a nightly basis.

Yesterday I had to meet Nipsy No Hussle in the front lobby, as I awaited his impending arrival I smelled a malodorous stench wafting from upstairs. I assumed your musk had permeated the walls or maybe it was the fetid water in which the frat boys were bathing.

As I was bent over trying to regain some semblance of composure I could see a pair of Texas style boots ever so smoothly cascading down the porcelain steps. As I looked up further, my eyes fixed upon a perfectly quaffed mane bouncing ever so gently on a wrinkle-free forehead. I instantly knew it was Private Houston, or as the girls call him, Colonel Kielbasa.

His perfect tuft of hair is a pure gift from the creator of heaven and earth. Now I understand why you tired to throat the ripe banana. Who wouldn’t wanna show off to a genuine Tyler Texas hunk??!!

Congrats on the TP, you deserve Mr. Whipple himself to wipe your bottom and tug a nip for all the good you do for mankind.

Always on my mind,
Left Eye Daquano
2nd Regime
69th Battalion.

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Letters from the Front Lines — Day 11

EDITOR’S NOTE: In and effort to entertain the newsroom, another photographer and I (who are now required to work in separate offices) have begun exchanging letters from the frontline of the Coronavirus Pandemic. I share them with you so that you may feel the love.

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My Dearest Mr. Daquano,

You were right as usual. The thought of Mr Balboa’s pugilistic prowess in defeating that ugly woman’s husband lifted my spirits enough to carry on.

My apologies for not writing yesterday. So much has happened I scarcely know where to begin.

Firstly, sanitary privileges have been restored! T’was long over-due. The air here had become quite foul. Sadly, there was only water enough that we had to share.

Ranking members Forward Operating Base Frat House were allowed to shower first. That water was recaptured in a washtub from which the rest of the men were allowed to bathe.

I was able to fashion a pair of tweezers out of two spork handles and perform a little maintenance on my longer follicles as well.

Yesterday, I was, once again, outside the wire. Again, it was in the delightful burg 90 minutes southeast.

I spent the better part of the morn ferrying locals to and fro, hither and yon. Various appointments, and obligations needed tending. I was only too happy to break the quarantine here to engage in a little distanced socializing.

The afternoon was filled with physical labour. The sweat of my brow was a paltry sum to see such happiness on the faces of the locals.

So pleased with my work, were they, that they gifted me with something more prized than gold in these times of scarcity.

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Bathroom stationary.

3-ply!

Rest assured, I shall put it to good use later this evening.

With warmest regards,

Sgt. T. Polisher
1st News Division
9th Battalion

Categories: Fun, Life Or Something Like It, news, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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