The interweb is crazy over lists. There’s a list for everything. Good music, bad music, movies you must see before you die, movies you’ll regret seeing, 1001 books you must read to be well-read, 7 books that will put you to sleep by page 2, must-see destinations, 10 ways to get into trouble, baby names for which your children will torture you in your infirm years, 10 signs of global warming, 10 signs of global cooling, 10 recipes you need to know, 10 items for your bug-out bag. The list (sigh) literally goes on forever.
The management here knows a cash cow when it sees one, and so, we bring you:
Rick’s List of Stuff That Doesn’t Matter But People Went Batshit Over Anyway.
10) Bowl Games: When I was a kid, there was college football season, and then there was New Year’s Day. Teams knocked each other’s brains out for a chance to play in one of maybe 7 or 8 post-season contests in front of a hung-over nation. They were contests between the best of the best. Today, bowl games have their own season! Games all day, every day from Mid-December to the end of January may sound like a good idea, but what’s lost is the competition, and the special-ness of a bowl game when any team with 11 players can go to one. I mean, who really cares that the Forest Lawn Senior Center Octogenarians play the Ravenhurst Manor Food Gummers in the Alzheimer’s Meh Bowl?
9) Anthony Weiner: If ever there was a candidate for “Mr. Much Ado About Nothing,” the former New York state representative has got to be the front runner. The man who never met a prick he didn’t want to post, resigned in disgrace in 2011 when pics of Little Tony made front page news. After a 2-year public exile, he again, showed the world which head does the thinking, and this effects me how? Unless he’s sexting to my wife, my kid, or my grandmother, get this sorry excuse for a human being off my television screen. But keep the pics coming, Grandma’s getting her groove back.
8) New York Soft Drinks: 2013 may well go down as the year of the nanny-state — the year government lost it’s freekin mind and thought it should tell us how to live. Nothing epitomizes the true virtuosity of those in charge quite like the efforts of the New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his soda grab. In the name of healthier hearts and a slimmer constituency the good mayor decided it would be best if New Yorkers buy only small soft drinks. I understand the concern from theater owners who’s bottom line would be crushed by the inability to sell drinks big enough to swim in, but if you don’t live in New York, why the hell are you hoarding Big Gulps?
7) Brian’s Dead: Hey dimwit, Family Guy is a cartoon. Brian was never alive.
6) Miley’s Twerk-e-bration: So, a pop star looking for publicity and music sales did something outlandish on national television? Say it isn’t so! Next you’ll tell me NFL players do not get that big naturally and use drugs to enhance their performance, wrestling is fake, and an old southern lady used a derogatory term when referring to black people.
5) Paula’s Faux Pas: An old white cook from the deep south called a black worker a name reserved only for those with mad rhyming skills and street cred. Excuse my while I yawn. It’s a word, perfectly acceptable word in rap lyrics, government housing projects, and Django Unchained, get over yourself.
4) Justin Bieber Retires: The dude who makes 11-year-old moist will no longer sing, tour, make movies, or grace our television. Oh, wait, he just said that for publicity, and I’m a grown-ass man. Nevermind.
3) Chick-fil-Gay: Really? A guy who makes chicken sandwiches doesn’t want men to marry other men or chicks to marry chicks? Unless they’re having butt-sex on my bun or using the pickle for purposes other than a condiment, what fucking business is that of mine? Or yours for that matter?
2) Kate’s Baby: Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time. And we’re supposed to believe that two privileged white folks with nice teeth, killer fashion sense, and a royal blood line carrying a fetus to term under the watchful eye of a cadre of doctors and paparazzi is a momentous occasion? If you’re British, maybe, but here in the colonies, it’s just another inbreeder birth.
1) Phil Robertson: Stop the presses! A bearded redneck from the backwoods of Louisiana prefers a woman’s vagina to a man’s hairy anus. I get it. Phil loves his Jesus and his Bible. So do lots of Americans. But until Phil becomes dictator of the world and sodomizes us into adopting his religious beliefs, what the hell difference does it make? He didn’t say that one man couldn’t find love in another man’s batcave or outlaw workboots and flannel for women. He just said it wasn’t for him.
What you really need to ask yourself is, what are the powers that be doing while you’re going batshit over stuff that doesn’t matter.