My Dearest Mr. Daquano,
It is being called the Fracas for The Frat House! Our names will go down in newsroom lore! Books will be written about how four men drove the demon 7th Division with its parfumed stronghold on our home base.
For our heroic rescue of Forward Operating Base Frat House, we have all been promoted!
Private Slappy is now Private First Class Slappy. His certificate of commendation reads like litany of war atrocities. But I must quote one of the more gentile passages for you. “And for bravery in the face of aerosol hair spray and flailing hair brushes; therefore be it resolved that Private Slappy be promoted to the rank of Private First Class.”
Lance Corporal Houston has been meritoriously promoted to the rank of Corporal for behavior unbecoming a hairdo. You see, my crusty croissant, it is most uncouth, for one of his rank and beauty to use one’s hair as a weapon. But in this case it was for good, and not evil. Add to that the fact that it almost single-handedly thwarted a second assault, and General News had no choice but to promote Houston to Corporal.
You know how I detest a braggart, but at this moment, I must also mention my own promotion. For ingenious and novel uses of a microphone cord, leading the battle, and returning Frat House to its original odor, I have been promoted to Staff Sergeant.
Captain Crank deserved promotion as well, but for alliteration sake, he will remain a Captain.
Warmest personal regards,
SSgt T. Polisher
1st News Division